Tuesday, October 25, 2005
last night, i binged...
I haven't done that in a while, and the whole time I was doing it, I was thinking of how disgusted I was with me.
All around me, success stories of weight loss--a girl i work with has lost 45 lbs. A girl at the gym has lost 87 lbs. And I'm struggling to lose just 5 lbs. I just felt like the biggest fatest loser. Even though it's not an excuse, the weather isn't helping much either. I'm happy for the cold, but the incessant rain and dreary days are getting to me.
After work, I went home and ate
1. left over hamburger helper from Sunday night's dinner
2. 10 slices of turkey bacon, 4 slices of whole grain bread, a kraft single, helmans mayo, and ice berg lettuce (essentially two sandwhiches, but it sounds much worse when you break it down into ingredients)
3. 2 low-fat brownies from the batch I made over the weekend
4. a diet barq's rootbeer
and I still felt that incessant "hunger". I ate until I was sick, and I still wanted more. Nothing seemed to satisify me.
Since it was so cold and rainy, and I was tired, I thought about just staying home and binging all night--but I'm so tired of being in this body. And I know that unless I am dedicted to changing it, it never will. So at 7pm, I put on my gym clothes and went and worked out--35 minutes on the elliptical machine. I was honestly afraid I would get sick and barf everything up (and maybe subconsciously I WANTED that to happen--maybe to teach myself a lesson about eating all that crap, and to show me why I shouldn't do it again). Luckily, I didn't get sick-though I did get a bit nauseous for the first mile or so, but it subsided, and I finished 2.78 miles.
I am not proud of myself and the compulsive binging I do on occasion. I know it's not good for me--but I was compelled to do it. Most of the time, I can control my cravings, but last night I lost control.
The worst part is, I know that I have a weights/measures at the gym tomorrow night. Is it possible that I'm sabotaging myself?
~ruthie
All around me, success stories of weight loss--a girl i work with has lost 45 lbs. A girl at the gym has lost 87 lbs. And I'm struggling to lose just 5 lbs. I just felt like the biggest fatest loser. Even though it's not an excuse, the weather isn't helping much either. I'm happy for the cold, but the incessant rain and dreary days are getting to me.
After work, I went home and ate
1. left over hamburger helper from Sunday night's dinner
2. 10 slices of turkey bacon, 4 slices of whole grain bread, a kraft single, helmans mayo, and ice berg lettuce (essentially two sandwhiches, but it sounds much worse when you break it down into ingredients)
3. 2 low-fat brownies from the batch I made over the weekend
4. a diet barq's rootbeer
and I still felt that incessant "hunger". I ate until I was sick, and I still wanted more. Nothing seemed to satisify me.
Since it was so cold and rainy, and I was tired, I thought about just staying home and binging all night--but I'm so tired of being in this body. And I know that unless I am dedicted to changing it, it never will. So at 7pm, I put on my gym clothes and went and worked out--35 minutes on the elliptical machine. I was honestly afraid I would get sick and barf everything up (and maybe subconsciously I WANTED that to happen--maybe to teach myself a lesson about eating all that crap, and to show me why I shouldn't do it again). Luckily, I didn't get sick-though I did get a bit nauseous for the first mile or so, but it subsided, and I finished 2.78 miles.
I am not proud of myself and the compulsive binging I do on occasion. I know it's not good for me--but I was compelled to do it. Most of the time, I can control my cravings, but last night I lost control.
The worst part is, I know that I have a weights/measures at the gym tomorrow night. Is it possible that I'm sabotaging myself?
~ruthie
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Very possible. Many of us are stress eaters, sabotage eaters, etc.
I am sorry to hear you had such a rough night but you did get back into the swing of things by going to the gym. You made a comeback!
If you haven't already I HIGHLY suggest picking up Dr. Phil's weight loss book. He helps you work through the reasons you eat and not just the poundage. You can usually find it on ebay cheap. It may be one more tool for you that will help.
Most of all (((HUGS))) to you. Today and tomorrow are a new day and a chance to do it better!
Go RUTHIE Go!
I am sorry to hear you had such a rough night but you did get back into the swing of things by going to the gym. You made a comeback!
If you haven't already I HIGHLY suggest picking up Dr. Phil's weight loss book. He helps you work through the reasons you eat and not just the poundage. You can usually find it on ebay cheap. It may be one more tool for you that will help.
Most of all (((HUGS))) to you. Today and tomorrow are a new day and a chance to do it better!
Go RUTHIE Go!
Sometimes I think our bodies need to do something like that. Our bodies way of getting what it needs.Now just go on. I always pick one day a week to eat whatever I want. I don't go crazy but I don't beat myself up over having things I enjoy!
Wow {{Ruthie}}, thank you for trusting us with such a personal story. I have been there (probably more recently than I care to admit.)
Jodi has good advice. I need to dig up my Dr. Phil book, too.
I'm so proud of you for fighting back and exercising though. That step took strength. {{HUG}}
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Jodi has good advice. I need to dig up my Dr. Phil book, too.
I'm so proud of you for fighting back and exercising though. That step took strength. {{HUG}}
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